5 stages of grieve
by pamy
Summary: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Grieve. Acceptence. The five stages of grieve. As if it is that simple. As if you'll be able to move one. Clay/Sarah. One-shot. Please review.


**Okay. I seriously fell in love with this couple in one episode. I didn't even think that it was possible. But since so many people love them, I guess it is. Their story together was so beautiful and so tragic at the same time. I wish they had gotten more time together. Anyway this couple has succesfully save one tree hill for me. I sort of stopped liking it last season, and the first episode wasn't great. But they have definitly save it (for me at least). I'm hoping we get to see more of them (flashbacks, ghosts) I'm not picky. Did they ever say how logn it had been since Sarah had died? Or why she died (it was so sudden)**

**Don't own one tree hill. Don't sue. Please review. **

* * *

**5 stages of Grieve**

She stands in front of you. And she smiles. She looks at you with a grave expression. Then she goes down. One second. And it's all over. No time to react. No time to do anything. Unable to save her. Unable to do anything. You just stood there and watched the love of your life go down.

And you could do nothing to stop it.

She's gone. Her life is over. Her pain is over. But you have to keep living. You have to go on. She has the luxury of being dead. Of being gone. You have to keep going trough the motions. People try to help. They try to say the right things. But there are no right things to say. And there is nothing they can do to help you.

Five stages of grieve.

It's in every book about grieve. It's what your boss keeps telling you. As if it is that easy. As if when you're trough them life will go on. You'll be able to move on and live. The pain will have disappeared and you'll be happy again. As if they even run in order.

There is nothing logical about grieve.

Five stages of grieve they say. As if that will help you at all.

* * *

**DENIAL**

It's the first feeling.

You don't even realize you're in denial. You just watch as they load her onto the ambulance and drive away. You hear the doctor tell you there was nothing they could do. And you just stare blankly at him. And all the time just one thing keeps going trough your mind.

She can't be gone. It's not possible.

She's alive. She has to be. The doctor is wrong. He's talking about someone else. She can't be gone. It's not fair. You were supposed to have more time together. You were supposed to have a lifetime together. A lifetime filled with laughter. Jokes and fights. You were supposed to grow old together. Have children.

You had your entire life planned out.

Stolen from you in one second. You have to live. But you have trouble living. You have trouble breathing. So you do the only thing you can do. You deny everything. You deny she is dead. You go to work and pretend like nothing's wrong. Like you can work trough it. You deny that something is wrong.

Denial. It's an easy feeling.

* * *

**GRIEVE**

Then suddenly everything changed.

Grieve is a destructive force. It can be handled if it's spotted. But it likes to sneak up on people. Jump of from behind bushes and startle you. One second you're fine. The next it hits you full force. It knocks the breath out of you. Tears well up in your eyes. You try to hold them in.

But it's undeniable.

Sobs rack your body. Unexpectedly. Suddenly. It overwhelms you and there is nothing you can do. You try to stop crying. But you can't. Grieve is a destructive force. It can tear persons apart. It can change everything about you. One second you're fine. The next you're in pain.

The nights are the worst.

When there is no work to be done. No denying what you've been trough. No Sarah to welcome you home. Nobody in the bed next to you. You're alone. And it scares you. It takes hours for you to fall asleep. Hours for your mind to stop tormenting you. But eventually sleep overpowers you.

Then come the nightmares.

THeir not coherent dreams. More like fragments. Bits and pieces thrown together to make one whole dream. One nightmare. Fragments of a live you lived. Bits and pieces of the moment you lost it. Fragments of the live you should have lived. The one you should have had. The one that was stolen from you. _She stands in front of you and she smiles. Then she goes down. _

You scream and sit up.

Grieve is a destructive force. It can sneak up on you and show up when you least expect it to. And you wish you could go back to denial.

But you can't. Not now.

* * *

**ANGER**

It comes out of nowhere.

It overpowers you just like grieve overpowered you before. It's not fair. She was supposed to have more time. She was supposed to live longer. They were supposed to have more time together. They were supposed to live. More time. But they didn't get it.

It's not fair. And you're angry.

You're angry at the world. At your boss. You're angry at Sarah. And you don't want to accept that. You don't want to be angry at Sarah. This was not her fault. So you're angry at yourself. You hate yourself for ever being angry at Sarah.

You lose control.

You stop going to work. You start drinking as much as you can. You take sleeping pills so you don't have to dream. You scream and you cry. You're in pain. And you're angry. You're boss doesn't say a word. It was almost as if he was expecting this to happen. He simply puts you on leave and tells you to take your time.

You end up going to Tree Hill. You don't even know why.

The anger sort of disappears over time.

* * *

**DENIAL**

And suddenly denial is back.

It creeps up on you and suddenly you don't feel anything anymore. Denial is back full force. And you love it. It means you don't have to feel anything anymore. You're in denial. You live your life. You work for Nathan. He becomes a good friend.

He's everything Sarah told you to look for.

And somehow it almost seemed like Sarah was with you. Like she was telling you what to do. So you live. You drink and you sleep with girls. Girls who's names and faces you forget. You try to block out ever feeling anything for Sarah.

You don't tell Nathan about her.

At first it's because it's easier for you. You don't have to tell him. You don't have to see the pain in their eyes. The pity they feel for you. They won't have to tiptoe around your feelings. They won't have to search for the right thing to say. Then it becomes easier for them. They won't have to feel guilty about their happiness. They won't have to feel guilty about their little problems compared to yours.

So you never tell him. Denial is an easy phase. And you want to stay in it forever.

It's so much easier.

* * *

**BARGAINING**

It's been months.

Months in which you tried to move on. But you can't. The unfairness of it all keeps coming up. She was so young. She should have had more time. She should have lived. But she didn't. Nathan and Hayley don't know. It's easy at first. You work for him. He never has problems.

He's an honest man.

And then there's Renee. She suddenly shows up. And you watch as Nathan and Hayley suffer because of it. You watch as they almost go down. You watch them facing what they believe is their biggest problem. The worst thing that could have happened to them. And you think they don't know how lucky they are.

One day you go to church.

You haven't been in church since her funeral. But you go tonight. You're not sure why you go, but you go. You take deep breaths and try to move on. And you pray. You try to make a trade. You offer your job. You're happiness. Hell you even offer Nathan's job. As long as he'll give Sarah back to you.

Just give her back to you.

Days later you're sitting on your couch. Sarah's ghost (or maybe just a figment of your imagination. Not like it really matters.) Has been with you for a while. But you have lost you're job. And Nathan has lost his. And you think that God perhaps took you a bit literal. And if he gave Sarah back to you it doesn't matter. For he took her away again.

So in the end it wasn't really a fair trade.

* * *

**DENIAL  
**

And then you're back where you're started.

Back in denial. You try to work trough it. You try to focus on the fact you need to get a job. You try to work trough it. You fight when Dan tries to drown you (Or baptize you. Seriously who the hell does that?) And later you even wonder why.

You try so hard.

But it's not that easy anymore. You can't keep denying it. Because you already told someone. And Quinn keeps trying to talk to you. But at least she knows when she has to stop talking. You try to fight. But you've got no more fight in you. And denial doesn't last very long.

And it's not so easy anymore.

* * *

**ANGER**

And then you're angry again.

It's more powerful then it was before. It comes out of nowhere. And you try to fight it. You try to ignore it. But you can't. You've lost all your strength over the year trying to deny it. Trying to conceal your pain from your friends. You don't have strength to fight your anger.

You try to bury it again.

But it's not that easy anymore. You're angry at the world. You're angry at Sarah for dying and for leaving you again. Life's not fair, she says. And you know she is right. You have to keep living. But the anger is almost overpowering. You're angry at Quinn for telling you not to give up. For telling you that Sarah wouldn't want you to give up.

You're angry at everybody around you.

You're angry at Hayley and Nathan. For being angry at you. Angry because they don't know how lucky they are. That they don't have real problems. Sure he lost his job, but he still has the most important thing in the world. His wife is still alive. His kid is by his side. He's the luckiest man you now.

You're the one in pain. You're the one with a problem.

But then you get angry at yourself. For being angry at Sarah. For being angry at Nathan. Because he has the right to be angry at you. You lost him his job. So you're angry at yourself. But you don't scream. You don't throw things away. You just drink everything you can get your hands on.

You bury you're anger deep inside. And you know that's not good. You know that it will explode at some point.

But you don't really care.

* * *

**GRIEVE  
**

Grieve suddenly sneaks up again.

And though you're still angry you can't stop the grieve. It's destructive. Tears well up in your eyes and you try to keep them in. You really do. But it sneaks up on you and suddenly you find yourself on the floor. Clutching your sides. Sobbing uncontrollably.

It hurts so much. So much you can barely breath.

You're in so much pain. So much pain. You try to live but you can't. You try to but you can't. You need somebody. Anybody to lean on. You can't do it alone anymore. It hurts so much. Anger and grieve. Destructive. Strong. Overpowering.

Nathan is angry at you. So angry.

And he has the right to be. You don't want to see the pity in his eyes. You don't want him to feel sorry for you. So even as you stand before him. Even as you tell him you're sorry. Even as you tell him you'll miss him. You cant bring yourself to share you're pain.

So you walk away. To deal with it on your own.

You don't know how you'll do it.

* * *

So you have come full circle. You keep going around in it. Doing the same things. Feeling the same feelings. Five stages of grieve. And you are left to wonder about acceptance.

When it will come. If it will ever come.

Five stages of grieve. Denial. _She can't be gone. She can't be. _Anger. _Life isn't fair. _Bargaining. _You'll t give up anything to get her back. _Grieve. _It hurts to much you can barely breath. _Acceptance. _As if this will ever come._

Five stages of grieve. As if it is that easy. As if they come in one order. As if you'll ever be able to move on.

You won't.


End file.
